Amazon Package

...at the wrong address

"She's like an Amazon package delivered to the wrong address."

I wish I'd come up with that line myself! The first time I heard it was about five years ago from my friend Mary, who was quoting someone else. It struck a chord with me immediately. I remember thinking, "Wow, this perfectly sums up how I feel at all times." It still does. I've used it countless times to describe myself.

In this first post, let me tell you a bit about myself and my background, so we can move on to more exciting topics like clothes, which will be the main focus of this journal.

Russia & Georgia

I was born and raised in St. Petersburg, Russia, but I come from a Georgian family. With a Georgian last name and a distinctly Georgian face, I was exposed to both languages from the start. Even though Russian and Georgian cultures aren't drastically different, the languages are like night and day. Growing up in St. Petersburg, I always felt out of place. My name often caused people to go, "Uhm, what was that again?" And my appearance frequently prompted the "Where are you REALLY from?" question. Early on, I realized I didn't quite fit in. I thought, "Well, I must be Georgian — a Georgian who happened to be born in Russia." But when I went to Georgia to reconnect with my roots, I quickly realized I was too Russian for Georgia. My accent in Georgian was "so funny, haha," and my ideas (or something) weren't Georgian enough.

Eventually, I ended up in Berlin. I first arrived when I was 21. A baby!!  I knew I needed to get away from St. Petersburg and found a master's program in Berlin that was in English and free. These were my only two criteria. I got into the program, packed my bags, and moved, knowing almost nothing about the city. Coming from a sheltered, conservative environment, I felt like an angel stepping into the sin city of Berlin. 

I mean…

Berlin

Berlin changed me right away. Spending your early twenties in Berlin is an experience like no other. Berlin is…NAUGHTY! I kept thinking, "Oh my God, this is what freedom feels like!" The city is liberating, and you can be whoever you want to be. “Do other people know such life exists?” I wondered. I had so many firsts in Berlin: very new people (and a lot of them), living alone, clubbing (in Berlin of all places!), and so much more. Reflecting on it now, it was an incredible time. Surprisingly, I didn't spiral into chaos; I had my fun but managed to stay grounded.

Visiting St. Petersburg after Berlin was difficult. I felt torn inside, as if the new, liberated me was confronting the old, fearful me. I still struggle with that feeling. St. Petersburg is gorgeous and has given me so much, but the fear and discomfort remain. I don’t think these feelings will go away anytime soon/ever. 

I won't bore you with all the details of my geographic adventures, but after Berlin, I spent some time in St. Petersburg with occasional trips to Tbilisi. Finally, I got a job opportunity that took me to Munich. I soon realized I was “too young for Munich” (no, I was not; that was ridiculous) and that all the “real cool stuff” was still in Berlin. So, I moved back about two years ago. I thought it would be my triumphant return, but… it turned out to be quite the opposite. I am not sure why I thought I was moving back to Berlin of 2016. The streets I once loved now seemed dirty and sad, the places I used to hang out at no longer appealed to me, and I had drifted apart from old friends. It's all normal, I suppose, but no one warned me it would hurt that much.

Now

Berlin often feels like a transitional place where people stay temporarily before moving on. I kept coming back to that Amazon package analogy. Over the past year, I've met new people, found new places, and tried to create a "current me" version of Berlin. I'm still unsure how I feel about it. Wisdom tells us that "wherever you go, there you are," meaning you carry yourself wherever you go. While I partly agree, I also think that the place does matter. I also think that the “you” changes. I surely change. Or grow? Maybe I just don't like it here anymore. Maybe there is a reason my soul and eyes light up every time I am in Paris, Vienna or Milan…Or maybe there are other places that would feel just right? Or maybe not?

For now, I'm still here, still feeling conflicted about Berlin — it's the best and the worst and the best and the worst. Deep down, I don't think I'm at the right address. I'm constantly searching for a place to call home, but I am slowly accepting that I may never find it. I've never felt at home in Russia or Georgia, the places I’m actually from, so can I feel at home elsewhere? Will I? Maybe it's not about the place but the people or a person who brings that feeling. Or maybe you find home when you start your own family? If you start your own family. Or maybe, as they say, you need to find a home within yourself. It sounds lovely, but I don't even know what it means. It would look great on a sticky note attached to your fridge, though.

Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself with this essay on home because it's central to who I am. It's also why I use Instagram and other platforms to connect with people and share experiences. I wonder if you, dear internet strangers, can relate to what I'm describing. Tell me!

***

Interestingly, I believe my love for clothes, outfits, and vintage items is also part of my quest to find myself. Just like I'm searching for a place to call home, I'm also looking for specific pieces that resonate with who I am / who I want to be.

To wrap the Amazon package up (like, literalleeee), I recently mentioned this to my friend Uffe, who said, "Yes, you may be like a package, but this package is a collector's item!" And I LOVED IT! Thank you, Uffe!

Next time, we'll talk about something less dramatic and more in line with this blog's theme—resale platforms and hunting for clothes!

xX

Anni